update

So, I am officially not a teenager lol. well since i blogged last i had a birthday which was awesome i walked with my grandma (who got first in her age group) then talked to a couple of friends have a conversation with one of my uncles. Then had a dinner at red Robbins then bowled the night away. I also had a court hearing that week but it didn't turn out like it should have. the guy wanted a paternity test so he got it and now i wait till the 30th then i will see from there. i am still trying to get into job corp. but my life has stalled which isn't fun. i am looking for a job to help me pass the time away but i really don't want to. i guess its kinda like my security blanket i also don't want to move downstairs but i have to keep moving i cant stop even if i want to i might not be able to start moving again.  i really want to find my birth mother and ask her why she left me and tell her it isn't fair. i know my mom loves me but i blame my birth mother for the pain i feel. i think she's the reason i go to abusive guys and idiots. i blame her for not being able to say no when i know it was what i should have said. i hate that i blame her at the same time. i am just having conflicting emotions lol. it sad i was watching Victoria the young and i felt envious i want what she had a love and he loved her back i am tired of loving someone who doesn't love me back. i am watching a movie now that the girl is all says she is in love but she lets the guy hit her and bully her and it makes me mad because i know its not right but i did the same thing which is stupid and it hurts now because i feel like i was so stupid. but i see the girl and i am mad at her for loving him but actually i am mad at myself because i was that girl i didn't let him hit me but he pushed me and i was 3 months pregnant and i saw him hold down his other baby mama and i let it happen once and then twice finally the third time i put a stop to it. i just want happiness is that so hard well it is if you have a life like i did. i need and want to come to terms with it. i want to find happiness i want to find love.