CATCH UP

Long time no see. Well just to catch you up i have been called to activities committee still working on job corp, the guy who i said was the father is the father he apparently wants to have a custody battle with me, and i still don't have a job. Oh, and i got a blue ukulele and bought one for my cousin Samantha too. so most of the time i try and play the ukulele and hang with singles cause that is what i am suppose to do right? well i am trying really hard not to get to involved with anyone for the simple fact i don't want to bring them into this drama of baby daddy crap just in case. but i had the weirdest dream that one of my home teachers asked me to marry him mind you i have talked to this guy a totally of twice i see him on Sundays and that is about all he never shows up to any other activity or anything which is kinda weird but who am i to judge i know he just got back from a Spanish speaking mission plays guitar and can sing. top three things on my list lol. I am still trying to become a NICU nurse i want to be the head nurse however can't remember what that is actually called tho. well hopefully this time next year I'm on my own with car, apartment/house and job(maybe boyfriend/fiance/husband).

update

So, I am officially not a teenager lol. well since i blogged last i had a birthday which was awesome i walked with my grandma (who got first in her age group) then talked to a couple of friends have a conversation with one of my uncles. Then had a dinner at red Robbins then bowled the night away. I also had a court hearing that week but it didn't turn out like it should have. the guy wanted a paternity test so he got it and now i wait till the 30th then i will see from there. i am still trying to get into job corp. but my life has stalled which isn't fun. i am looking for a job to help me pass the time away but i really don't want to. i guess its kinda like my security blanket i also don't want to move downstairs but i have to keep moving i cant stop even if i want to i might not be able to start moving again.  i really want to find my birth mother and ask her why she left me and tell her it isn't fair. i know my mom loves me but i blame my birth mother for the pain i feel. i think she's the reason i go to abusive guys and idiots. i blame her for not being able to say no when i know it was what i should have said. i hate that i blame her at the same time. i am just having conflicting emotions lol. it sad i was watching Victoria the young and i felt envious i want what she had a love and he loved her back i am tired of loving someone who doesn't love me back. i am watching a movie now that the girl is all says she is in love but she lets the guy hit her and bully her and it makes me mad because i know its not right but i did the same thing which is stupid and it hurts now because i feel like i was so stupid. but i see the girl and i am mad at her for loving him but actually i am mad at myself because i was that girl i didn't let him hit me but he pushed me and i was 3 months pregnant and i saw him hold down his other baby mama and i let it happen once and then twice finally the third time i put a stop to it. i just want happiness is that so hard well it is if you have a life like i did. i need and want to come to terms with it. i want to find happiness i want to find love.

Nervous

A lot of people don't know this but to be adopted i terminated my parents right, and now I'm terminating my rights as a parent ironic don't you think. lol sometimes i think i turned out just like my birth mom well its changing now. well i just wanted to say the babies are out of the hospital. They are so beautiful and I'm so happy that i was brave and smart enough to give them up i feel such a peace in my heart. that it's overwhelming. I've never once thought I'm making the wrong decision. I wanna thank you all for supporting me and reading this.

Moments

I imagine every one who has ever had a baby goes through it. I'm talking about the moments where you think your fine, then the next thing you know your crying. Your not upset just overwhelmed by the love you can have for people. I'm super overwhelmed just because i not only have twin but also a familiy that is willing to love my twins also, and me. Not because they have to like any other familiy but because the really want to. Sometimes i feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes.

October

So, since i was born in October, i ultimately think its the best month ever. That being said this is a life changing month for me. I give up my rights as a parent, i turn 20, and i put in my application for job corp. my interview for the application is tomorrow and I'm nervous. My mom is going with me for the first time. Its nice to have such a supportive mom. I love her very much even tho we don't always agree, we have bonded, and it's a bond I'm really glad we have.

Another good thing about October HALLOWEEN. I'm going to kings dominion haunt fest. but that really isn't what i wanted to talk about we have general conference. this weekend. i have a hard time focusing enough to watch or listen but i try. I'm doing better then i did in years before I'm not falling asleep like i did in years before. well ill post pics of haunt fest.

SCARED TO DEATH

We have a court date now the 20th of october. Then i will no longer be a guardian of two beautiful kids, but always a mother that cared. The ironic thing i find is my birthday is on the 23rd. I will be 20, its like a new decade of my life a new start. That isn't what i want to talk about however, i want to talk about the birth father is being retarded he says he wants them if they're is but doesn't believe me. If he fights it and is proved that he is a good father and stuff he can't have the kids. I know he can't give them a life they desserve or he would be doin it with all his kids. My mom says don't worry, because she talked to the lawyer who says that he has done a lot of adoption cases and there has only been one that he had a problem with. he explained that they get a panel of lawyers and have a case.

update

I haven't given up my rights yet. however, we did send out the petition. the dad is being a jerk about it he says he wants a paternity test and if he is the father he dosen't want to give them up. what i wanna know tho is why he wants them when he can't take care of his first two children. I'll be damned if i let his mom raise my kids. She didnt do a good job raising him what makes her think i'll let him raise my kids. fat chance. i'm doing okay tho dealing with post-partem, but that is normal. the babies are 4lbs now got shots and stuff. don't know exactly when they are goin home tho but the are doin fantastic.

Change

I'm trying to change my life im trying to change my life. I wanna get right with my life if not for anything just to prove to my kids that i did the right thing and i am somebody. its hard tho i try and its like something happens and i remember i just gave up two beautifull babies that i made and carried and now don't get to enjoy the pleasures a mom does. then i remember back when i was little and what it was like. it was so hard i would get in trouble for no reason for something i didnt do all the time more then normal kids i would get spanked to the point i wanted to die. i remember the feeling of having my first birthday with out my mom wit my grandparents who tred but didnt replace the feeling i had from my mom leaving. i am so glad i got adoppted and her and my family have made my life the best they can. i appreciate it so much.

Love

The greatest  gift God gave us was his son. That he loved us so much that he gave his only begotten up for us. I never understood that more then i do now. Three weeks ago i gave birth to two beautiful babies a precious boy and girl. even tho i love them more then anything in the world i gave them to a familiy who could no longer have children. Even tho i am sad i know i made the best decsion for those babies. I know now why God dave up his son now. He knew it was what was best for all his children.THE GREAEST GIFT OF ALL IS LOVE. No matter what kind of love it is the greatest gift specially that of a parent.

About me

Hi! My name is Angel, and this is my story. I was born october 23, 1990 to a Theresa Cookitha Carson. I don't know much about her she left me with my grandma at a young age. My grandma was sick she had diabetes and leukemia. She died when i was young. I didn't go to they funeral; I didn't want to go. I realized then life goes on. I was put in foster care. Eventually, I terminated my parents rights. I was then adopted by an awesomely smart and loving lady named Debbie Smith. She raised me for eleven on. We have a big familiy i have ten aunt and ten uncles and a ton of cousins and a few second cousins. I also have two kids that I gave up for adoption. The smartest and most difficult thing i've ever done. I love them to death. Thomas and Ruby where born at 29 weeks; after 28 hours of labor they did a c-section. I had preeclampsia and didn't get to see them for a whole 24 hrs because I had to stay on bed rest. I stayed in the hospital for almost 5 days after. After which I stayed at a hotel with my mom. Since I was giving them up for adoption I was trying to relocate to Virginia, where all my family is and the family that adopted the twins. I didn't make it tho. I'm blogging this because I think its a good way for me to express myself.